My Name Is Earl

My Name Is Earl Quotes

Season 1, Episodes 1-8

Pilot


Earl: I know this might sound crazy in this day and age, but we live in a small town and I've never been face to face with a gay before. I understand now the runnin' probably wasn't necessary.


Randy: (reading from the list) Number 23. Peed in the back of a cop car.
Earl: I'm no longer proud of that.


Earl: Don't they have special bars for the queers--I'm sorry, homosexual Americans?


Randy: I think you're trying to sell a cat to a guy who fancies dogs.


Joy: I want half that lotto money, Earl.
Earl: Yeah? Well, I wanted a legitimate baby and a wife who didn't huff paint on Thanksgiving, but I guess life's full of little disappointments, now ain't it?


Read the episode recap from My Name Is Earl: Pilot


Quit Smoking


Catalina: This is the sweetest, most justified kidnapping I've ever seen.
Randy: How many have you seen?
Catalina: Five or so.


Donny Jones: No if you'll excuse me, I've gotta help a prayer buddy in the garage. When he showed up I thought he was speaking in tongues, but it turns out he was just back on the stuff.


Earl: Quittin' smokin' is kinda like going to prison. If you can get through the first three days, you got a fighting chance. First we tried the tapes, then we tried the patches. Someone told us to try carrot sticks as a subsitute, but we couldn't get the damn things to light.


Earl: Those are poisoned.
Randy: How poisoned?


Read the episode recap from My Name Is Earl: Quit Smoking


Randy's Touchdown


Randy: Sir, can I have this magazine? One of the cheerleaders was out sick today and we're gonna decorate her locker.


Earl: I knew I could pay em if I could just get to the car, but these aren't the kind of guys you want to let know that you have change in your ashtray, much less a hundred thousand dollars under your front seat.


Earl: If we don't figure out a way to break into that impound yard and get my money, we're gonna have to eat that potato.


Earl: Where's my grandfather's cuckoo clock?
Joy: I pawned it.
Earl: What?
Joy: What do you think, cigarettes grow on trees?


Read the episode recap from My Name Is Earl: Randy's Touchdown


Faked His Own Death


Earl: You faked your death too?!
Dirk: Yeah, thanks for the idea! I swear, I was about to paper-mache myself a noose and hang myself at a picnic!


Randy: Being dead is definitely worse than being alive. When you're dead, you can't do all the cool stuff you can do when you're alive. You and I, we can do all kinds of cool stuff 'cause we're livin'. We're not dead. We're alive. If we were dead, we wouldn't be able to do all the cool stuff we can do because we're alive. Dead people can't do cool stuff. Only people that are alive can do cool stuff, because they're livin'. And you have to be livin' to be able to do cool stuff. You have to be alive. Yeah, except, when you're alive, sometimes bad stuff happens, too. Like sometimes you can get in a car wreck, or you can have a headache, or twist your ankle, or even stub your big toe. So bein' alive is kinda hard, too. But I think it's definitely better than being dead.


Natalie: My little butterfly flew away, but he came back. He came back. Earl: And like a butterfly, I too was trapped. But instead of a net, I was caught by a crazy girl wiping her nose on me.


Read the episode recap from My Name Is Earl: Faked His Own Death


Teacher Earl


Ralph: (on the phone with Earl) Earl, it's Ralph, we got a big problem. Randy and I were trying to break into a house and he got stuck in the chimney. We went in Santa style, took a shot.


Earl: So here I am,...teachin'. The last time i stood in front of a room full of foreigners, I was robbin' the DMV


Joy: Oh, hey Ralph. How was prison?
Ralph: I'd say about a five.


Randy: Uh, let's not do that.
Ralph: I don't want to. I really don't. You're a good friend of mine. I don't want to burn your testicles.


Read the episode recap from My Name Is Earl: Teacher Earl


Broke Joy's Fancy Figurine


Catalina: Two Jacks, that's War.
Randy: No, no, no. Catalina, in this country, that's called truce...and we hug. We're a peaceful nation.


Earl: I've been stabbed by plenty of girls. It only really hurts when you twist it, pull it out and stick it back in.


Shelly: I can't believe you were married to Joy Darvel. I haven't thought how much I am better than her in years.


Earl: I'll be back with your figurine.
Joy: Yeah, and I'll be butt naked behind the trailer waiting for my hot tub.


Read the episode recap from My Name Is Earl: Broke Joy's Fancy Figurine


Stole Beer From A Golfer


Earl: Randy, I canít enjoy myself at the fair unless I cross something off
Randy: All right, so take something easy, not the deaf girl thatís gonna take forever


Bus Ticket Agent: (Earl, looking for Randy, shows the guy his picture) Oooh, while we're showing pictures, here's my, my daughter. That's here fiancee Paul. He's Canadian. But not the French kind, so we're fine with it.


Catalina: What exactly is a country fair?
Randy: Itís like Disneyland for poor people


Scott: Tess kept begging me to take her to Colonial Williamsberg, but when we broke up did she go? No, she went to Ozfest and churned some guy's butter


Read the episode recap from My Name Is Earl: Stole Beer From A Golfer


Joy's Wedding


Joy: I hope you get nut cancer, you son of a bitch
Earl: Nice. You kiss your igalitemate children with that mouth?


Joy: (at the rehearsal dinner) Okay, I got everybody smalls, but remember there's free refills, so small is really a large with a little extra walking.


Randy: For the reception, how should I have my chicken, grilled or McNuggetted?


Joy: ...Besides, you think Bruce and Demi don't sleep together once in awhile and don't tell Ashton?...Please.


Joy: Woo, this things making me sweat like a whore in church, no offense, Patty.
Patty: None taken. I don't go to church.


Read the episode recap from My Name Is Earl: Joy's Wedding


Season 1, Episodes 1-8

Season 1, Episodes 9-16

Season 1, Episodes 17-24

Season 2, Episodes 1-8

Season 2, Episodes 9-16