My Name Is Earl

My Name Is Earl Quotes

Season 1, Episodes 17-24

Didn't Pay Taxes


Randy: (looking at an old paycheck) How long are these things good for? There's no explanation date on it.


Joy: Just last week I paid $20 for speeding in a school zone.
Randy: Hey, you paid 75 for that, Earl. How come you only paid 20?
Joy: Cause I brushed my license against his knobby when I handed it to him.


Randy: I don't know why people complain about this asbestos stuff...it don't smell so bad.


Randy: We're gonna die in here, aren't we?
Earl: No...(long pause)...maybe...(long pause)...probably.


Read the episode recap from My Name Is Earl: Didn't Pay Taxes


Dad's Car


Joy: Damnit, who keeps putting Mr. Turtle in the toilet?


Patty: Alright lets get this show on the road! I got an appointment with a guy who likes to suck on my feet!


Earl: So I was supposed to be named Carl?
Carl: Yep, after me. But on your birth certificate… I’ve always sucked at cursive so I put an extra loop on the C, so the C looked like an E… and here you are. Earl Hickey.


Carl: You’re putting a 1970 carburettor in a 65?
Earl: It’ll fit.
Carl: Sure it’ll fit. That size 4 dress will fit your mother, but I wouldn’t take her out in it.


Read the episode recap from My Name Is Earl: Dad's Car


Y2K


Earl: Randy, I told you; No robot dogs. We can only afford the things we need to survive. Randy: But I already filled out the adoption papers… I named him biscuit!


Earl: Realizing we might be the only people left on Earth in the year zero freaked us out. What we didn’t know was that there was a reason the streets were so empty. We were always so drunk from the night before, we were never awake to know there was a parade on New Years day.


Joy: You know what I’m gonna loot first? I’m gonna loot me a Humvee. Then I’m gonna take all the other stuff I loot, and put it in my Humvee. And if somebody tries to stop me? I’m gonna drive over them in my Humvee. And I also want a new pair of sandals.


Darnell: All the computers will go berserk and things like electricity, water, gas will be out. The banks will be out of money, stores will be out of food, all the high scores on video games will be reset.
Randy: Even centipede?


Read the episode recap from My Name Is Earl: Y2K


Boogeyman


Randy: Look Earl! He’s got a trampoline! We should steal it and put it in the motel parking lot, then we could use it to go up and down from our room without ever having to use the stairs.


Alvie: I was wondering… what’s it like having a moustache? Earl: Let me give you one piece of advice, Albie. The second your body is ready: grow one.


Randy: I still can’t believe you didn’t call me when you were playing paintball. It combines two of my favourite things; toy guns and paint.


Darnell: (getting a manicure from Joy) This feels weird.
Joy: It’s not weird. It’s metro-sexual. Pretty soon metro-sexuality’s gonna hit Camden County and when all the men start turning into half fruits, Joy’s Nails is gonna be ready.


Read the episode recap from My Name Is Earl: Boogeyman


The Bounty Hunter


Earl: Me and Jessie had a good thing going. And it was all happening pretty fast, but not as fast as it happened later that night with Joy. In just seven hours I went from having a semi-serious three week girlfriend, to being the husband of a pregnant woman whose name I kept forgetting. I thought about calling Jessie to talk to her and tell her what I had done. But then I realised that I’d have to talk to her and tell her what I had done.


Joy: I’m sorry for tricking you into marrying me while I was carrying another mans baby. And for having yet another mans baby and for leaving you while you were in the hospital and… other stuff.


Joy: I gotta go! Quick, give me the car-spoon!


Randy: If you’re getting locked up, you should save your cigarettes. They’re like money in jail and that’s the same for boy jail and girl jail.


Read the episode recap from My Name Is Earl: The Bounty Hunter


Stole A Badge


Joy: Hey! What the hell are you doing, towing a car with the American flag on it? Are you part Taliban?


Earl: And after we bowled, we enjoyed our favourite pastime; Stealing. We’d discovered that when people bowl they stash their wallets and other cool stuff in their street shoes. The only valuables you should ever keep in your shoes are your feet.


Earl: What kind of kid puts acorns in his shoes?
Randy: A squirrel kid might. Except a squirrel kid doesn't wear shoes.


Randy: That’s a policeman’s badge, Earl.
Joy: Shut up dummy, he knows what it is! (to Earl) What are you gonna do Earl? That’s a policeman’s badge.


Read the episode recap from My Name Is Earl: Stole A Badge


BB


Darnell: I can’t believe there’s a hole behind this picture. That’s a relief… last week it was banging on the wall, and I thought Jesus was mad at me for putting that Darwin fish on the back of the car. Guess it was just windy.


Randy: Why'd you ever have a crush on her? She's a bitch. And not the good kind like that "Kiss My Grits" lady from the diner show. "Kiss My Grits." We should go to Arizona.


Darnell: You know, Joy, technically that licence is state property. Doesn’t belong to either one of you.
Joy: Okay, Darnell… You’re painting a turtle right now and I’m not taking legal advice from you or any other turtle painter.


Randy: He threw my favourite food at me, Earl. What was I supposed to do?
Earl: Randy, baloney isn’t your favourite food, animal crackers are!
Randy: No, they’re my favourite food shaped like an animal. Do you even listen to me when we talk at night?


Read the episode recap from My Name Is Earl: BB


Number One


Joy: After I finish art school, I might even go to Paris where all the good artists go so I can draw those quiet guys in the white faces with the rugby shirts who play charades.


Earl: Thanks Crab Man. It’s about time I did number one.
Darnell: Good luck with that. And I hope I scrubbed that bat disease out of that toilet. But if you start seeing with your ears and whatnot… get to a doctor.


Earl: Doing things on the list without money was starting to feel like surfing TV channels without a clicker. It can be done, but your legs will get awfully tired.


Randy: I’m starving Earl. Maybe we should go steal some food. You know I get angry when I’m hungry. Like the Hulk, only I don’t get all green and muscly, I just get dizzy and snap at people that don’t deserve it.


Read the episode recap from My Name Is Earl: Number One


Season 1, Episodes 1-8

Season 1, Episodes 9-16

Season 1, Episodes 17-24

Season 2, Episodes 1-8

Season 2, Episodes 9-16